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Musicianitis Strikes ‘Young Professionals’ Complex In Michigan

February 13, 2006 06:07:44 EDT, from sidekick II

KALAMAZOO - (Monday) Tragedy struck over the weekend as 24-year-old Thomas Tomlinson fell victim to what is commonly referred to as “musicianitis” (latin: douchebagus majori.)

On Friday evening, Tomlinson set out to purchase an AKG C2000B condenser microphone, a PreSonus INSPIRE 1394 Firewire interface, and some accessories from the Kalamazoo Guitar Center.

“He seemed normal enough when he first came in,” remarked a Guitar Center employee who wished to remain anonymous. “He just asked me for help, so I walked him over to the fresh gear and showed him the best interface for his situation. After that, I went back to trying to sell other things -- like the fact that I’m not a giant piece of shit that most likely has a very small, if not inverted, penis. No takers on that one yet though, bro.”

According to one eyewitness account, that’s when everything went all pear-shaped. “I looked over and I saw this guy with his pants down, clearly aroused, penetrating one of the computer interfaces,” explained area musician Todd Dongsmouth. “I mean, I’ve seen some crazy shit before in my time, man, but I’ve never seen someone so utterly devoted to their craft that they would actually molest a piece of hardware in the store. I usually wait for a more romantic setting before I make with the gear-fucking.”

But musicianitis affects more than just your sense of public decorum; it also causes income of any kind to cease, as anyone in a band can easily tell you. “I don’t know what happened,” Tomlinson told AP reporters. “I went out, spent some money on some new gear, and the next thing I know, I don’t give a fuck about anything else on this entire god-damned planet. All I want to do is rock some motherfuckers.”

And he wasn’t kidding. Tomlinson spent the next three-and-a-half minutes accompanying himself on air guitar while singing Twisted Sister’s 1984 classic “I Wanna Rock.”

Tomlinson didn’t report to work Monday, and has no plans to return. “We rearry rike-a dat guy and hope he come back before too rong,” Tomlinson’s manager said. “He good guy, and da radies hee-a rearry enjoy his man-scent.”

There is no known cure for musicianitis as of this report, but it is widely believed that shaving and showering daily, using underarm deodorant, and getting a damned job already you freeloading cocksucker can help control the breakouts.

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